I hate ATM machines!

I've had an internet connection for nearly two weeks, it's hard to believe I haven't taken the time to rant about everything that pisses me off. (I have a modest part-time gig developing content for a Facebook application, so that takes up some of my time these days. Despite that, it all changes tonight.)

I went to the Twins/White Sox game tonight, my second in consecutive nights. I'll spare the details regarding why I'm 26 months away from retiring from pro sporting events. At least the Sox finally won in my fourth trip to a "Twins" game this season, but that's not nearly enough to make me happy.

On my way to the H.H.H. Metrodome, or the Big Inflatable Toilet as I like to call it, I decided to stop at my local bank's ATM machines. There are two of them, because we as a society like our machines more than human interaction.

When I pulled up, there were two cars lined up for each machine. But the line on the right looked to be longer than the line on the left. I saw a car in the right lane leaving as I pulled up, so logic dictated that the left side was advantageous. I was wrong.

The morons at the front of the line took their sweet time at the machine. They must have thought it was a slot machine, and by playing it long enough, the machine would start "paying out."

As I sat idle in the left lane, I watched cars breeze throught the right lane. A suburban-assault vehicle pulled up behind me as the lead car in my lane finally departed.

The vehicle in front of me was filled with all sorts of white trash. Perhaps I'm wrong and highly judgmental, but I doubt it. The car ahead of me had 7,353 separate transactions to process, including a mortgage application, evidently.

The suburban-assault vehicle behind me not only pulled over to the rapidly-flowing right lane, it completed its transaction before I even pulled up to my lane's slot machine. I saw at least three vehicles pull into the drive-thru lanes after I did, only to depart before I got a whiff of my slot machine.

Pouring salt on my open wounds, the white trash in the vehicle directly in front of me sat there for about 30 seconds after the last of their 7,353 transactions, doing nothing but talking about how they were screwing me over, I'm sure.

At that point I was tempted to spend five minutes applying for a low-interest loan at the ATM when it was finally my turn, simply to screw over the rest of the free world. But then I realized I'm not nearly as lousy of a human being as many people I have crossed paths with, and decided the better of it.

Regardless, by the time I completed my 30-second ATM transaction in the left lane, there was nobody to be found, either behind me or in the empty lane to my right. And for the rest of the night I was pissed. If there is a god in heaven, she was determined to test my faith in humanity. Congratulations, Alanis, I failed your test.

I have a new ATM policy as of 6 p.m. this evening. I won't bore you with the details...but the bottom line is this: I don't wait in line behind the white trash of society for access to an ATM, unless it is an emergency. Trust me, this plan is brilliant, just don't break into my apartment, there's likely to be $300 in cash in my dresser drawer.

If you think I'm pissed now, you ain't seen nothing yet.