Monday, March 28, 2011

Factually speaking #8

1. Several months ago I thought it would be interesting to get feedback from somebody, anybody, regarding my writing.

2. I had no interest, however, in sharing my blog with my friends or family, so I created a Twitter account as a means to promote the jukebox.

3. I learned that Twitter is a waste of time for 99 percent of us.

4. I no longer care about trying to generate an audience for this blog.

5. I don't care about a lot of things these days. Many of the things I use to care about no longer matter to me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Happy new year

It was one month ago today, four weeks exactly, that I learned it was 2009 all over again.

And that's a good thing. It really is, but first a little context.

My former girlfriend, somebody I spent more than a year with, proved to me what I've known for years. Two weeks after moving out of state, she told me I was disposable. She gave me variations of the "it's not you, it's me" routine, but that's her way of being nice. She knew for months she could do better, much better, and after sending me plenty of signals, she finally pulled the trigger after I forced her hand, two weeks after the last night we spent together here in Minnesota. There was talk of a long-distance relationship, and thoughts on my part of trying to make that happen, but it turns out that either she was kidding or I was kidding myself.

It hurts, a lot, to realize that many Saturday nights in 2011 are going to end up like this past weekend, alone and forgettable, just like March 2009.

The world is a wacky place. A "friend" I have known for more than 10 years, but haven't seen in nearly seven -- despite the fact she lives in nearby St. Paul -- once quizzed me as to why I spend stretches of my life single. The best explanation I could give in one sentence, I'm not a good catch.

That's the great irony of life. My friend Michelle is several years younger than me, has four children through more than one father, has never had a career and couldn't make it through life without the help and assistance of others, including her mother, who is retired and probably never dreamed her golden years would be spent supporting her children and grandchildren. Michelle is intelligent, personable and cute. I can't tell you anything about her various boyfriends and/or fathers of her children, so perhaps they are more dysfunctional than she is, but all I know is that a relationship with Michelle is anything but a walk in the park. Yet she pretty much always has a boyfriend. I'll never understand it.

As I said, the world is a wacky place. Guys fall all over themselves to become one of Michelle's ex-boyfriends, and somebody like me who has a modest career and no children is destined to end the journey through life alone. I knew this two years ago, and four weeks ago today the point was reinforced to me.

I'm not happy about where my life is in 2011, but this is not a pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself, and neither should anyone else. Life isn't fair, I tell that to people periodically, usually during a discussion pertaining to the content of my weekly newspaper. Some people will always have somebody to share life with. Not just anybody. Somebody. I won't.

As I said, I knew this two years ago, and after the past few months, it was proven to me.

I had a personal goal for 2009, a goal I should have achieved despite the fact my life was sidetracked with a relationship. The only reason that goal wasn't achieved was because I lack the focus and drive to see many things through. Not this time.

I thought my former girlfriend's moving out of state was going to be the catalyst for me finally reaching that 2009 goal, for a very different reason than the one that inspired it. But I didn't get a chance to test the theory that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Instead I got 2009 back.

My 2009 goal is tied to a very important decision I made regarding my life, a decision some would question. Most would, actually. But with age comes wisdom, and I'm wise enough to know what I've believed to be true for many years is, in fact, true.

It's an exciting time to be alive, it's 2009, and things are going to be fine.