Wednesday, April 15, 2009

5. Inspiration point (unedited)

For the past couple of days I have dwelt upon the end of a friendship. People disappoint me regularly, I should be use to it, but I never will be.

I know my flaws, and I know my weaknesses. That doesn't make it easier to live with them, but at least I know what to expect. Somehow the good never outweighs the bad.

I promised myself that 2009 would be the year I'd prepare to die. I intend to make good on that promise. After last night's blog I spent two hours catching up on odds and ends around the apartment, and there's hundreds of hours of projects where that came from. I was tired today, and instead of coming home and taking it easy, I went to the Twins game with a co-worker who had scored a pair of company tickets and wanted to see the game. It would have been easy to say no, but it was late in the afternoon and he didn't have anybody available to go on short notice, so I figured it was the right thing to do. It's not like I hate watching baseball, but there was no motivation to accept the offer and give up five hours of my evening. Yet I did so, and now I'm doing laundry at 12:30 a.m. so I won't get to sleep before 2 a.m., as usual. And it's going to be a long day tomorrow, too. And that's fine with me.

I regret that I didn't accomplish more of my menial tasks this winter, but I'm on a mission now. If I die tomorrow my family would have to sift through a ridiculous amount to stupid shit, most of which would end up going to a thrift store or the garbage bin out behind my building. I intend to save them the trouble, and while there's no chance I'll complete my mission by the end of the summer, I'm going to pretend it's possible.

I have hours upon hours of bicycling ahead of me in the next five months. I am working as hard as ever at the newspaper, yet taking home nothing more to show for the effort. I'm going to be so damn tired at some point this summer that I'm going to collapse from exhaustion.

And that's when I'll know I've accomplished something.

As I look around my apartment, I see a bunch of crap I don't need, crap from a life I have little appreciation for. I know what's important in my life, and I'm going to honor that, even if I die trying to do so, because I sure as hell can't continue to live like this.

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