Saturday, November 13, 2010

Factually speaking (unedited)

I decided that I needed to do something, anything, to make blogging slightly more meaningful at this point in my life. I've had my "super secret" blog for more than three years. Instead of just killing it, starting a second blog or finding a job that doesn't bankrupt my soul, I decided to quasi-promote my anonymous blog for five months or so, primarily through a simple Twitter account. I'm not interested in turning my blog into some lucrative destination that will pay bills, I'm not smart enough to do that. I simply wanted to see if there's an audience for my bitter sarcasm and fairly obvious observations. Even if the Twitter universe has no interest in seeing what I have to say, it's fun following random people and commenting on their fairly obvious observations. Most of them don't care, but maybe that will change, too.

With all that being said, I figure I need to do a few new things with my blog. When inspiration hits, I can spend a lot of time writing about why the BulletBoys shouldn't exist, questioning if Joe Mauer is gay or chronicling a Facebook debate. But part of building an audience is giving that audience a reason to come back regularly. Some nights, however, I'm less than inspired, and ranting at length about how Bob Barker is a fraud seems like too much work. Therefore, after two long paragraphs, I present a new, recurring feature: factually speaking.

The premise: I present a list of facts, according to me, probably with a sentence or two of commentary tacked on for good measure. If I say it's a fact that Zsa Zsa Gabor is alive, and then she dies a week later, you can't hold that against me. Some of my facts will be opinions in disguise, and therefore subject to change, naturally. But they'll be factual at the time of my writing. ("Amy Sedaris is hot" would be one example.)

Without further ado:

1. My uncle died on Friday morning, shortly after 4 a.m. CST. He came home to die on Wednesday, as I understand, and less than 48 hours later his pain and suffering ended.

2. I turned 40 recently, and my co-workers had no clue. I don't hide my age, any more, but I don't bring it up, either.

3. It snowed in parts of Minnesota today, and my city received several inches of snow. I have come to hate winter exponentially with each passing year. If the economy wasn't horrid, I'd get a job dealing cards in Las Vegas. I'm white and can speak English proficiently, I'd have been an easy hire five years ago.

4. I'm already tired of self-important clowns who can't miss a text or can't turn their phone off for two hours in the movie theater. If I find them annoying now, what will life be like in 10 years?

5. I was in New Orleans last New Year's Eve. This Dec. 31 won't be nearly as exciting.

6. I have jumped in Lake Minnetonka at least five times on New Year's Day. Lake Minnetonka is in the west suburbs of Minneapolis. They cut a hole in the ice for the annual event. I have little interest in doing it a sixth time.

7. I spent New Year's Eve, 2007-08 in southern Florida. Midnight was rather anti-climatic.

8. I love the "Back to the Future" movies. My favorite of the three is part II.

9. Four or five years ago I spent New Year's Eve babysitting my nephew, who turned 15 years old on Saturday. We watched the Back to the Future trilogy that night.

10. I never promised my "factually speaking" lists would comprise 10 items.

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