Saturday, October 27, 2007

Seven nights of Fonzie: Night 6

The “Seven nights of Fonzie” blogs are unedited before a live audience.

There are plenty of things I need to do with my life, that much I know. It has been two years since I made a major decision to not just go through the motions of life, but to appreciate it, to value it. I have done things in recognition of that, but not enough to be satisfied with the end result.

But even if I push myself to do things I want to do, be it playing a guitar or running a marathon...even if I find a new job that not only pays my bills, but allows me to see and do things I wouldn’t dare think about today, will it be enough?

It wasn’t long ago I read one man’s pondering about the meaning of life. And even if I know that it’s the people who choose to share my life that means the most to me, what should I be doing with my life? Is acting upon that knowledge enough to satisfy me in the long run? Will I ever know inner happiness? Will I ever be able to let go of all the regrets, disappointments, losses and frustrations of life and be happy? If there’s a pill offering it, I’d take it in a minute.

I don’t sit down every night and meditate, I’m not a philosopher, I’m not sure I’m even a deep thinker. I’m probably not even the smartest guy in the room, and I’m the only one here.

I don’t weigh myself down with the subject. I don’t curl up in the fetal position in the corner of my storage room/living room every night, mumbling to myself.

Yet I can’t help but wonder, after 37 years, will I ever find a life that not only trumps life’s disappointments, but also makes me happy to have it? I’d like to hope so, but I don’t even know what that life is at this point. And the sad part is that I’m no closer to solving that equation than I was two years ago.

It doesn’t matter what it takes, I have to find it, or hope it finds me. Either way I hope I know it when I find it. Perhaps then I’ll know what the meaning of my life is. And maybe I’ll be so damn happy I’ll look back on this time and laugh. I know I’ll be thankful to finally reach that point.

It’s time to go off into the night, to live another day and to get that much closer to whatever it is I’m destined to find. I’ll have to give this topic a little more thought. There may not be a lot more to say this week. On the seventh day, Fonzie may rest.